Fire in the Mind
by Adalanta
Summary: Jimmy is traumatized after being trapped in a burning building. Who can he turn to for the physical and emotional support he needs?
1. Chapter 1

Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: I do not own anything whatsoever of Third Watch. I'm not profiting from this story, so please don't come after me. I'm only a poor college student.

Author's Note: I've only recently discovered this amazing show and have become engrossed by its characters. As for fitting into the timeline of Third Watch episodes, all I can say is that this story takes place sometime after Bobby was killed. I appreciate all feedback. Please feel free to leave a review, or you can send me an email at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Chapter One

"Jimmy? Can you hear me? Open your eyes, Jimmy. Come on. You can do it."

The voice seemed far away, muffled, like a bad long distance phone connection. At first, he didn't feel like obeying. He was perfectly fine where he was – warm, comfortable, and so, so tired. _C'mon, Kim,_ he thought absently, mind still foggy. _Just let me sleep for a few more minutes. _But the voice was insistent, repeating the same phrases over and over in the same firm, commanding tone. _Oh, all right_, he grumbled.

As he came more awake, the far off voice began to draw nearer. The words became sharper, less muffled, the phone connection improving. But the strange thing was that the clearer Kim's voice became, the more worry he could hear in it. _That can't be right. I must be imagining it._

When it came time for him to finally open his eyes, he wasn't sure if he physically could. He was exhausted, and his eyelids seemed weighted down with lead. _Man, what kind of shift did I pull last night?_ He wondered. _It must have been pretty tough to make me this tired. _Ever so slowly, his eyes fluttered open.

In a split second, his fuzzy mind discovered two things. First, Kim was standing over his bed, face lined with exhaustion, tears streaming from eyes that were swollen and red.

Second, something was in his throat, making it impossible to breathe.

His eyes slammed shut as he gagged on the object out of reflex. Terror took over his mind. _I'm choking! _He screamed, or, at least, he tried to. Nothing came out – he just gagged again. _I – I can't breathe!_ _Help me! Somebody…!_ He frantically reached up with his arms to pull the thing out of his throat, but his arms were heavy, uncooperative. He couldn't move. _I'm dying. I'm going to die._

He vaguely felt the pressure of hands on his shoulders, and, even though that hurt, the pain could not break the hold the terror had on him. Voices surrounded him, muffled again, although some seemed sharp and demanding. He couldn't understand what they were saying – he didn't really want to understand. They weren't helping him! He was going to die, choking to death right here in front of them, and they couldn't – wouldn't – even help!

Behind his closed eyelids, the usual black void sparkled with brilliant colors. Red and yellow spots danced before him, taunting him, laughing at his suffering.

Through his terror-filled, frantic mind, he heard a voice screaming his name hysterically, a voice that sounded a little like Kim's, although he had never heard her sound quite so upset before.

"Put him back under!" Another voice ordered, the authoritarian tone cutting through the gray fog that descended on his mind like a wet blanket. 

__

Put who under? Under what? What is going on?

A few seconds later, the same warm, soothing feeling stole over his mind, spreading quickly through his entire body. He couldn't fight the strange sensation – he was too tired. And so his colored world descended into darkness, and he knew no more.

*******************

"Doctor? I think he's waking up."

The words floated around him, swirling about like leaves caught up in the cool burst of a fall breeze.

"Keep the Demerol ready. If he reacts like he did before, we'll have to use it. He can't take another episode like the last time – it almost killed him. It'll be too much for his lungs."

"I have it ready, Doctor."

He heard the words but they didn't make any sense. _What are these people doing at the firehouse?_ He wondered. _Don't they know that some of us need to get some sleep? Geez! _He tried to fall back asleep, but there was a peculiar ache in his chest that kept him awake to hear the voices.

"Mary, go bring in Ms. Zambrano from the waiting room. She wanted to be here when he regained consciousness." The man muttered something under his breath that Jimmy couldn't quite make out because his mind had stopped, latching onto a familiar name – Zambrano.

__

Kim? Waiting room? What the heck is going on? Curious and slightly worried – _what is Kim doing in a waiting room? Is someone hurt?_ – he began the difficult task to pull himself completely awake.

The man spoke again, closer this time, almost right by his side. "Mr. Doherty? Mr. Doherty, can you hear me? You've been injured. You're in the hospital. Can you hear me?"

__

What?! I'm where?! His mind froze, paralyzed by what the man had said to him. For a long moment, he felt completely cut off, in a whole separate world. He couldn't see, couldn't move, couldn't hear, couldn't think. Nothing. Time stopped. All was darkness. Black.

Then something snapped back into place. The world exploded back into existence.

He could hear again. The _beep…beep…beep_ of a nearby piece of equipment changed, increasing in speed until it had become an almost constant sound. Still foggy, his mind faintly heard the same voice, now raised in concern, call out, "Mr. Doherty, calm down! It's okay! You're safe now. Nothing's going to hurt you. Try to calm down!" 

__

Safe? Safe from what? What's wrong with me? What happened?

He opened his mouth to ask what was going on – and gagged. Something was in his throat. He tried to breathe in again and choked. His mind clicked into overdrive. He started panicking. His chest throbbed with excruciating pain, his lungs burned like they were on fire. He felt his body thrashing crazily – a fish out of water trying desperately to live.

He could feel himself getting lost in the terror that flowed through him, could feel the waves of icy panic gushing through his veins. The pain in his chest flared suddenly, causing him to involuntarily cry out, which only made the gagging worse. He couldn't breathe – he was smothering! 

His world went black, then red. Every single part of his body screamed out for the air it was being denied. The pain was intense and overwhelming. And just when he felt like he couldn't stand another second of agony, he heard another voice.

In the small part of his brain that still functioned, he recognized the voice of a person close to him, who had loved him, who he still loved. His ex-wife. The mother of his son, Joey. 

__

Kim.

Small, shaking hands held his head still, halting its frantic thrashing movement. They felt shockingly cold on his face, caressing his cheeks softly as she continued to talk. Her words slowly began to penetrate the red haze that shrouded his mind.

"Jimmy? Jimmy, listen to me! Stop struggling! Please! It's okay! You're safe!"

He tried to take a gulp of air to fill his aching lungs, still struggling to breathe despite the thing in his throat. He gagged convulsively. He desperately attempted to clear his airway by ripping out the intrusion, but his hand barely twitched on the bed.

"Stop it, Jimmy! Listen to me! You've got a ventilator tube down your throat to help you breathe. Stop trying to breathe on your own! Let the machine do it." He felt a hand caress his forehead and slide through his dark hair – a gesture of reassurance and caring. "Relax. Let the machine breathe for you. Please! Come on, Jimmy. Relax."

__

NO! he screamed, trapped inside his mind. _I – I can't! I'll die!_ He didn't want to relax. He couldn't. Every instinct in his body told him to fight – fight for survival, fight to breathe. How could he just give up and die? He'd never see his son again. _I don't…want…to die!_ _Kim, help! Don't let…me…die!_ He pleaded.

But now his body was quitting on him, even while his mind still kicked and screamed against it. His heart pounded painfully in his chest, and he was so weak. His body no longer had the strength to fight.

"Please, Jimmy!" He could tell that Kim was sobbing now – the warm tears dropping onto his face like raindrops from a spring shower. A small part of him felt guilty about that – that he was causing her pain. "Listen to me! You need to relax! Stop fighting!" A cool, soft hand touched his face once more. "Please, relax, Jimmy…for Joey…and for me," she cried quietly.

__

"For Joey…for me?" The phrases echoed through his mind, sinking into his soul and touching his heart. He couldn't go on – he just couldn't, not even for them. _I'm…sorry, Joey. I…tried. _Slowly, he stopped struggling and let himself go. _If I die,_ he thought groggily, _at least I'm not alone._ He forced himself to stop fighting to breathe and relaxed, waiting to die.

Suddenly, his aching lungs filled with air. He was too tired to understand what had happened. His foggy mind barely suppressed the automatic urge to take another breath and concentrated on the reassuring feeling of air being pumped into his oxygen-deprived body. In…out…in…out…The rhythmic hiss of the ventilator began to lull him to sleep, but once again, he fought against the blackness that threatened. He lay motionless on the bed, attempting to regain some of his strength.

He felt terribly weak and disorientated. And to top that all, he was in incredible pain. Each surge of air hurt his throat and caused sharp, knifelike pains to stab his chest and lungs. After a while, he heard the man's voice again, speaking in a quieter tone, although it still maintained its iron determination.

"Mr. Doherty, I need you to open your eyes for me. I know you're tired and in pain, but I need you to wake up now."

__

I'm tired, he mumbled to himself. _"Go 'way. I jus' wanna sleep._ Rebelliously, he kept his eyelids shut, pretending to the world that he couldn't hear.

"Come on, Jimmy," Kim ordered softly, her breath hitching. "I know you can hear us. You never were very good at pretending to be asleep. Open your eyes, Jimmy."

He mentally sighed, lethargy nearly overwhelming him, drowning the desire to become completely awake. But something inside told him that he needed to listen. The fireman in him followed orders. Slowly, infinitesimally, his eyelids flickered open. 

TBC….


	2. Chapter 2

Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: The characters in this story, with the exception of Dr. Miller, belong to NBC and the creators of Third Watch. I really, really appreciate all of the encouraging reviews you all have written about Chapter One. It was my first TW story, and I was kind of nervous. I'll try to post a chapter every week or so - it just depends on my work schedule. Anyway, hope you all like this chapter as well. Please, feel free to leave me a review and let me know how I'm doing. Or you can email me at adalanta14@yahoo.com! 

Chapter Two

White. Everything was white.

The whiteness surrounded him when he finally gained enough strength to raise his heavy eyelids and open his eyes. _I hate white_, he mumbled to himself, letting his eyes close automatically.

"No, Mr. Doherty," a man's voice spoke close by. "You need to keep your eyes open for a little while longer."

He reluctantly obeyed, only opening his eyes halfway. It was all he could do to manage even that. _I jus' wanna go back to sleep. Why…why do you need me awake?_

Through his slitted eyes, he could see a vague blur beside him move closer. Before he knew it, his eyes were forced open, and a liquid of some kind was put in them, causing them to close once more. His body tensed as the pain reached his hazy mind. He moaned involuntarily, but was only able to gag weakly on the thing in his throat. The combination of shock and pain dispelled some of the fog from his mind, and he remembered vaguely what happened before. _It's just a tube_, he told himself, trying to calm down. _You're not choking. _

As he forced his rigid body to relax, he felt someone holding his right hand, squeezing it gently. The flaring pain faded into a dull ache. He slowly opened his eyes to see who it was. This time, his vision was a little better. He still couldn't see as clearly as normal, but it was much better than last time. _What was in those eye drops?_ he wondered. He blinked a couple more times. Things came into focus.

A man was standing by the left side of his bed, studying him, but his serious expression eased a little when he saw Jimmy open his eyes.

"Mr. Doherty, I'm Doctor Miller. I'm going to take a quick look at your eyes and see if those drops helped any, okay?"

Before his muddled mind could comprehend what the man had just told him, he felt hands touching his face. Each eye was systematically pried open and a bright light was shown into them. The light hurt his eyes and made his head throb harder. As he blinked away the resulting tears, he saw the doctor look over to the other side of the bed, a slight frown on his face, and shake his head. The man quickly turned his attention back towards Jimmy.

"All right. Now, I want you to follow my finger."

He tried to obey the simple instructions, but it was too difficult. The motion of the man's hand made him dizzy, and he was forced to shut his eyes to try to control his nausea. _Man, what's wrong?_ he asked himself. _I feel like I'm gonna puke._

"Doctor, what's wrong?" a woman's voice off to his right, full of concern, echoed his own thought. _Kim. That's Kim. _He felt vaguely proud of himself at the realization. Right now it was an accomplishment to simply understand what was being said.

"I'm not quite sure," Dr. Miller replied. "He's having a lot of difficulty focusing his eyes. His pupils are still slightly dilated, which is to be expected from the amount of pain medication he's receiving, but he shouldn't be having trouble with such simple movement." The man paused. "It could be that the ash and smoke did more damage to his eyes than we first thought. If that's true, then we'll have to continue with the drops, even though they appear to hurt him. If it's not the smoke, then it's his concussion. I'm sorry to say that we can't do anything for him except wait for it to heal. Time is the only solution in that case." 

__

Smoke? Concussion? What happened to me? How did I get here?

"Ms. Zambrano – "

"Kim, please, doctor." Her voice was insistent.

"Fine. Kim, I think for now we'll continue with the drops. If the smoke is the problem, then his eyes should clear up in a day or so. And if it's a concussion, the drops won't do any damage."

Jimmy heard her sigh softly. "I just wish there was more that we could do. I mean, he's been through so much already…" 

"I feel the same way. But he's a fighter. He'd have to be to have lasted this long. Most other men would have given up, but somehow…I don't know. I never used to believe in miracles, but after this case? I think I might change my mind." 

"You don't know Jimmy, Dr. Miller. He's one of the most stubborn, most obstinate men I've ever met. When we were married, I hated that, but now, I've never been so glad for those traits. I don't know what I would do - what Joey would do - if…if he'd…" She broke down, unable to go any farther.

"Kim, don't you think it's about time you take a break and go home? You've been here for three days straight. You need to get a decent night's sleep, and besides, I'm sure your son needs you. He's probably upset - "

"Joey understands what's going on, that his dad's job is dangerous. He's staying with my parents for now. And I've told you before, I'm not leaving Jimmy. He's going to need me when he wakes up. I won't leave him now."

"All right. I can't force you to go, but try to get some more sleep, okay? I don't want to have another patient on my hands. And something tells me that you're just as stubborn as your ex-husband."

"I'll try."

"Good. I've got to check on another patient and make some calls. When he wakes up, call the nurse and have her get me. I'll be back by in a few hours to check on him again."

Jimmy heard a door open and shut, but he was so tired that he didn't even realize that he wasn't alone until he felt a small hand take his own. Kim didn't say a word. _She probably thinks I'm already asleep_, he thought drowsily. _She'd be mad…if she knew…I…wasn't… _Before he could even finish the thought, he slipped back into darkness.

************************

Consciousness came upon him slowly, easing him up out of the comfortable embrace of sleep, pulling him inch by inch closer to the waking world. He did not fight it, nor did he help it. He didn't want to face reality. 

Reality was a place where he was poked and prodded and given medicines that made his eyes burn. He hazily remembered being jerked out of sleep several times when someone had pried his eyelids apart and put in something that had burned badly, like pouring salt in an open wound. Each time, the pain drove him back towards the darkness, where he was free. It had become a place of sanctuary. 

Still, now that his body had decided it was time to wake up, he couldn't stop it. Once full awareness had returned, he was reluctant to open his eyes and betray himself to other people. So, he just lay in his bed, listening to the sounds of the world he now, however mysteriously, lived in.

The steady, rhythmic beeping of the machine to the left of his head was reassuring. _That must be the heart monitor,_ he mused. _Well, at least my heart seems to be okay. _He heard the regular whooshing of the ventilator pushing air in and out of his lungs. He hated being on a ventilator. For that matter, he hated being in the hospital, period. He pushed that frustrating thought aside. After all, there was nothing he could do about it right now anyway. _It's not like I could just slip away unnoticed, _he thought wryly. Above the duet of the machines, he detected another faint sound. It took a few moments of concentration to figure out what it was, but he finally succeeded. It was the soft steady breathing of someone deeply asleep. And it seemed familiar.

He cautiously opened his eyes. 

At first, things were blurry like they had been before. Everything was still white, too. But this time, his eyes slowly cleared, the hazy film dissolving until his vision became normal. If he could have, he would have laughed. _No wonder everything is white,_ he snickered in his mind. _I'm looking at the ceiling!_

He glanced slowly about the room, taking his time and making sure his eyes were completely healed. He vaguely remembered waking up before and nearly vomiting when he'd tried to move his eyes. _Or was that a dream?_ He wasn't really sure of anything. 

The room was lit only by a pair of blue lamps, one to the right of his head and the other on the opposite corner at the far end of the room. The low light was much easier on his eyes, which had become used to darkness. _Thank goodness the overhead light isn't on. That would really hurt._ His gaze finally landed on a figure curled up in a chair about three feet from his bed. It was Kim.

His ex-wife was sleeping in what looked to be an awkward, if not painful, position. She was twisted into a ball, her feet tucked beneath her, her head resting against bent knees and leaning on the back of the chair. 

Jimmy stared at her, remembering another time when she had slept that way. The memory hovered in the back of his mind for a minute before he could extract it fully. It was the exact same position she had slept in when their son Joey had been rushed to the hospital. He had only been two at the time and had developed an extremely high fever. He and Kim had stayed by his side, nervously waiting, terrified that their little boy might die. He had finally convinced her to sleep, but she had refused to leave the room; instead, she had curled up in a chair by Joey's side just the same as she was now. 

__

She must be pretty concerned about me to sleep like that. She only does it when she's really upset or worried about someone. He felt the stirring of a nameless, shapeless fear as it began to form in the pit of his stomach. He ruthlessly shoved the uneasiness away, but was unable to completely banish it.

Suddenly, he heard the door open and close and the sound of footsteps as someone approached his bed. He was too weak to turn his head. Besides, when he moved his head much, the tube rubbed the sides of his throat, making him want to cough. And he knew that was a very bad (and painful) idea.

A man appeared beside Kim: young, medium height and build, with sandy-brown hair and goatee. He had on a white physician's coat, so Jimmy assumed he was one of the doctors. He watched, motionless, as the doctor looked down at her and shook his head, his expression one of sadness but also respect. He reached over towards the end of Jimmy's bed. Jimmy couldn't see what he did, but a second later his hand reappeared with a blue blanket, which he proceeded to drape loosely over Kim. 

Finally, the young man turned to check on Jimmy. He stopped abruptly when he saw that his eyes were open and looking right at him. The man looked stunned but quickly recovered and smiled warmly.

"Welcome back, Mr. Doherty. I'm Doctor Miller." 

Jimmy looked at him, and then shifted his eyes towards Kim, hoping the doctor would understand what he meant without speaking. 

Dr. Miller chuckled quietly. "Yes, I probably should wake her up, but this is the first time I've actually seen her asleep since you were brought here. Still, if I didn't, she'd undoubtedly find out and then I'd be in all kinds of trouble." He stepped over to her and lightly touched her shoulder. "Ms. Zambrano - Kim - wake up." 

Kim sat up, alarmed, still half asleep. "W-what's going on? Is something wrong with Jimmy?" Her voice shook with fatigue.

The man smiled again and hastened to reassure her. "No, no. Jimmy's just fine. In fact, I think he wants to say 'Hi' to you…in a manner of speaking."

Jimmy weakly raised his right hand towards her, though the small movement left him drained of energy. He was tired and weak, but he felt a little better when she took his hand. He closed his eyes and just concentrated on the feel of her hand in his.

"Jimmy? Are you okay?" he heard her ask, and, even though his exhausted body longed more than anything to sleep, he forced his eyes open once more. _I…just woke up. I'm not…not going to sleep yet. I n-need to find out what happened…how I got here._ He stared into her shining eyes, trying to draw the strength he needed to stay awake a while longer. He steeled himself as the doctor began to speak.


	3. Chapter 3

Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: All characters in this story, with the exception of Dr. Miller, are owned by the producers of Third Watch, NBC, and probably some other people though I don't know exactly who. I'd hoped to have this done earlier but that obviously didn't happen. Anyway, here's the next part. Please, take a second to leave a review and let me know how this is going. 

Author's Note: I have no medical background at all. I'm just making it up as I go along. Hope this doesn't upset any doctors or nurses out there. 

Chapter Three

"Well, Mr. Doherty, you're a lucky man."

As the young man spoke, Jimmy Doherty shifted his eyes away from Kim to look at him. He felt Kim's warm hand in his, a comforting familiar presence. 

"I doubt that you remember, but we met a couple of days ago. I'm Jonathan Miller, your doctor. You've been here, at Mercy Hospital, for almost five days."

__

Five days? his mind repeated numbly. _No wonder Kim looks tired._ He couldn't believe that he had been in the hospital for that long. 

"You are very lucky to be alive. Not many men could have survived the injuries you sustained from that fall. It was touch and go for a while, but you're over the worst now."

Jimmy looked back at Kim, trying to ask her questions with his eyes, the only way he had to communicate with that wretched tube stuck down his throat. _Fall? What fall? I don't remember falling, Kim. What happened to me? Why can't I remember?_

Kim must have seen the confusion in his eyes and interrupted Miller as he started to go on. "Doctor, I think something's wrong. He…he looks confused about something."

Miller halted mid-sentence. "Mr. Doherty? Is something wrong?" 

Jimmy nodded, moving his head slightly up and down. Even with his precautions, he still gagged a little as the tube scratched his throat. He shut his eyes and tried to relax. The feeling of unease was back, making his heart beat faster until it was thumping painfully in his chest. 

"Jimmy? It's okay, Jimmy, just try to calm down."

His eyes shot open, and he shook his head, ignoring the pain it caused. _I want to know what is going on! _he shouted mentally. He grasped Kim's hand weakly and looked at her, pleading with his eyes.

Kim's face paled a bit more, and she swallowed. "Dr. Miller…I don't think he remembers what happened."

"Mr. Doherty, look at me. Look right here." 

Dr. Miller's voice was grave and demanding. It penetrated the thick wall of fear that had wrapped itself tightly around his mind, stifling any rational thought. Jimmy automatically obeyed, forcing his gaze reluctantly away from Kim's and focusing on the doctor.

The doctor's brown eyes were bright with concern as they stared into Jimmy's. "Okay, Mr. Doherty. This is what we're going to do. I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I need you to squeeze Kim's hand to answer. Squeeze once for 'yes' and twice for 'no.' Do you understand?"

He squeezed Kim's hand once weakly. "He understands."

"Good. Now, do you remember your fall?"

Jimmy squeezed twice. "No." Kim's voice wavered unsteadily.

"Hmmm. Do you remember the fire?" 

__

There was a fire? he thought, as he answered "no." This time Kim didn't even speak, just shook her head when the doctor looked at her to translate.

Miller frowned. "Mr. Doherty, do you remember anything at all about that day?"

Again, he said "no." Jimmy was starting to get frightened. _I don't understand. Why won't someone tell me what happened? Don't they get it?! I DON'T REMEMBER!_ Panic surged through him like a bolt of electricity, spurring him into action. He needed to know what was going on, needed to speak to someone – NOW! 

He frantically reached up and clawed at his mouth, trying to pull out the ventilator tube. _I want it out! Get it out! GET IT OUT NOW! _He screamed, ignoring the fierce wave of pain that flooded his body at the sudden movement. The panic was so great that he was completely oblivious to it. The only thing that mattered to him was getting his airway cleared.

A hand grabbed his left arm in an iron grip and pressed it firmly back down before he could raise it more than a few inches off the bed. For some reason, it didn't obey and seemed heavier than he remembered, like it was weighed down. He felt a brief flash of pain at the pressure, but continued to struggle against it. His right arm reached his mouth, and his trembling fingers tore helplessly at the tape. Someone else quickly pulled his hand away, trapping it at his side. 

__

NO! LET…ME…GO! With each word, he fought harder against the hands holding him down. How long he struggled, he wasn't sure. Time had no meaning. The only thing that matter was escaping the hands and yanking the tube out of his mouth. But all too quickly, the rush of adrenaline faded away, taking with it his energy and his will to fight. He lay there trembling, exhausted, his once iron-strong spirit cracked and splintering. He kept his eyes closed tightly as the oxygen from the ventilator made its way through his lungs.

Then, the pain rammed into him with the force of a tractor-trailer going ninety miles an hour. A searing pain sliced through the left side of his chest, cutting its way to his lungs where it morphed into a thousand razor blades that stabbed him ruthlessly. Every regulated breath was agony, sucking him into a new dimension full of pain. A separate tremor of pain started in his left shoulder, traveling all the way down his arm, burning like a forest fire. It felt like his flesh was melting off from the inside out. 

He could hear voices in the distance, their words swirling around him like a firestorm. He could feel a hand holding his right one, and he squeezed it tightly as each new wave of pain rolled over him. 

Tears streamed from his eyes, wrenched out of him by the torment he was suffering. The cold, wet tears sliding down his face felt like ice upon his heated skin. A soft, cool cloth touched his face, wiping away the sweat and tears. It felt like an angel had reached down into his hell, giving him a moment of relief among the flames of pain that threatened to consume him. 

Slowly, the torturous pain began to ease, allowing him to think and hear clearly again. His eyes fluttered open.

The first thing he saw was Kim standing beside him, holding his right hand with one of her own and wiping his face with the other. As his eyes focused on her face, he noticed that she looked more worried than ever. Her pale face looked strained, and her beautiful eyes were full of fear. But no matter how upset she seemed, she put on a brave front for him. She smiled faintly, "Are you feeling any better?"

Unable to answer, he simply squeezed her hand once. A moment later, Dr. Miller appeared behind his ex-wife.

"Mr. Doherty, I gave you something to ease the pain, but you need to relax for it to take affect. It's going to make you a little sleepy." The doctor glanced over at Kim and then back to Jimmy. "It appears that the concussion you received has caused a short term memory loss. I don't know when – or if – you'll remember what happened." He nodded to Kim.

"Jimmy, it was an apartment fire." Kim spoke hesitantly. "The fire had already engulfed the fourth floor of the building and was moving down into the third. Your ladder divided up and began to search the floors to make sure no one had been left behind. You took the third floor."

Jimmy stared up at her, noting how uneasy she was discussing his accident. She wouldn't look straight at him, keeping her eyes glued to their joined hands. _It must have been pretty bad,_ he thought, watching her struggle to continue speaking. _She…she's afraid._ His stomach clenched at the thought. Kim was one of the strongest people he knew. She could wade into any emergency situation and never even flinch. _If she's this upset…_he refused to finish the troubling thought, concentrating instead on Kim as she continued.

"The floor – collapsed. You fell … Don and Manny found you trapped under some debris and pulled you out before the fire could reach you. Y-you were…in bad shape." She started to say something else, but stopped. Suddenly releasing her tight grip on his hand, she turned her back to Jimmy and stammered, "I – I'm sorry. I just can't – " Her eyes welling up with tears, she stumbled blindly out of the room and into the hallway. 

Shifting his head slightly on the pillow, Jimmy watched, stunned, as she fled the room. He wanted to move to go after her and comfort her; his heart ached to see her so upset. _She shouldn't be alone._ He turned back to see Dr. Miller still staring at the door, his expression troubled. As if feeling he was being watched, he glanced back to his patient and shook his head. _Help her, _Jimmy ordered with his eyes.

"Don't worry, Mr. Doherty. She won't be alone. There's always someone else here for her – another firefighter, paramedic, or cop. It seems that you're quite popular." He flashed a quick smile. "Last time I checked, there was a paramedic out there – Doc, I think. She'll be all right."

"Well, I suppose I'd better finish the story. Like Kim said, the floor collapsed causing you to fall. You landed on your left side. Because of that, most of your injuries occurred on that side. Your left shoulder was dislocated, and your left forearm was broken. I don't know if you've realized it yet, but we have a cast on your forearm; we also have your shoulder immobilized with a partial cast." 

He reached down and carefully moved down the white hospital sheet a few inches, revealing Jimmy's cast-covered upper chest. "See, the cast wraps all the way around the top of your chest – basically over the collarbone – and then extends over your shoulder and ends about halfway down your upper arm." He smiled good-naturedly. "I'm afraid you're not going to be using that arm for quite a while, at least three weeks. The break should heal without a problem but we have to keep a close watch on that shoulder."

Dr. Miller cleared his throat, "Your head impacted the floor when you landed – you received a pretty bad concussion. Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about that. The main thing is to keep calm," he heavily emphasized the last word, "and to get some sleep. Oh, and try not to move around much…not that you can right now anyway."

The doctor paused and studied Jimmy for a few moments, examining his face intently, almost as if he were evaluating him. Jimmy met his gaze and held it without wavering, even though he was beginning to feel fatigued again. _The medicine must be working_, he thought. _The doc said I'd start to feel sleepy. I'm tired, but I want – no, need – to know what's wrong with me._ He struggled to maintain steady eye contact, resisting the tempting lure of sleep. Finally, the doctor seemed to make up his mind. 

"The last, and the most serious, of your injuries are your lungs. When you fell, you broke three ribs, one of which punctured your left lung and caused some heavy internal bleeding. The ER doctors operated on you immediately upon your arrival and repaired the damage, but you had lost a lot of blood and were not able to breathe on your own. That is one of the reasons for the ventilator."

__

Wait a minute, Doherty thought sleepily. _Did he just say 'one' of the reasons? What – what does that mean?_ He forced his wandering mind to pay attention, though the action was difficult. He barely succeeded.

"The other reason we have you on a ventilator is…a bit more complicated." The young physician shifted uncomfortably in the chair by the bed. "Mr. Doherty, when you were found, you were not wearing your oxygen mask. I'm not sure how it happened – maybe it was knocked off by the debris – I don't know, but the fact is, your lungs were exposed to a tremendous amount of smoke and heat before you were rescued." Dr. Miller finally met Jimmy's gaze directly. "Your lungs were severely damaged – the lining of your lungs and your throat, as well, were scorched by the heat. All the smoke you inhaled during that time only compounded the problem."

Jimmy heard the doctor's words but was too drained to feel worried. He knew he should be alarmed, upset…something, but his mind kept drifting away. He felt warm and comfortable, could not keep his eyelids from sliding shut. The only thing he wanted to do was sleep. He blinked drowsily, and the objects in the room seemed to waver in and out of focus.

The doctor seemed to see how hard he was fighting to stay awake. "It's okay, Mr. Doherty. Rest now. We can talk about this later. Just relax."

The silence in the room was heavenly. His foggy mind scarcely noticed the beeps and hums of the machines. He was just drifting off to sleep, the pain medication finally gaining control, when he heard the door open.

Kim's voice was subdued and throaty from crying. "Is he asleep?"

"Yes. It took longer than usual, but the medication finally worked."

If his eyelids hadn't become too heavy to lift, they would have shot open as her hand tenderly smoothed his dark hair back from his forehead. She brushed her hand lightly through his hair, then moved it down to caress his cheek. "Poor Jimmy. Did…did you tell him…?"

The doctor didn't reply right away. "About the fall? Yes."

"But…not – not the rest?"

"No. I don't think he could take it right now in his condition. Besides, it appears he doesn't remember anything about the fire."

"Jimmy doesn't deal with…that sort of thing very well. Do you think he could have blocked his memory on purpose?"

"Hmmm. I hadn't thought of that," Dr. Miller spoke thoughtfully. "It's possible. With something that traumatic…Well, all we can do is wait and see what happens."

Kim sighed deeply. "He's going to find out eventually. Sooner or later, he's going to have to have to face it."

"Let's hope that it's later, then."

Those were the last words that Jimmy Doherty heard as he finally relaxed and slipped off to sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: All characters (except for Mia and Tony) are the property of NBC and the producers of Third Watch. I'm not profiting in any way from this story (unless you call exorcising this idea profiting - which I guess it is, in a non-monetary sort of way). 

Author's Note: My sincerest thanks to everyone who has reviewed the story thus far. Please, please, please keep up the reviews! They really inspire me to keep going, especially when I'm stuck. If you'd like to, you're more than welcome to send me a personal email at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading!

Chapter Four

Heat. Smoke. Pain.

Jimmy jolted awake, breathless, drenched with sweat. His heart pounded painfully in his chest, thumping in time with his rapid pulse. He gasped into his oxygen mask, trying to get the life-giving air into his lungs. 

"Mr. Doherty, are you – " The woman's voice broke off when she saw him struggling to breathe. "Try to take slow breaths," she coached from her position by his side. "That's it…You're okay…You can breathe…Nothing's stopping you."

Jimmy closed his eyes and relaxed his tense body back into the hospital bed, automatically following the nurse's orders. Slowly, his rapid breathing eased, although the stabbing pain in his chest remained. Unrelenting pain had been his constant companion ever since he had first woken up four days ago, and he had been forced to grow used to it. But this sharp pain had only happened a couple of other times, whenever he overtaxed his damaged lungs. It hurt horribly. He had quickly realized what caused that particular problem and avoided making the mistake again at all costs. But sometimes…sometimes it just…happened. 

When the agony had diminished to its normal, tolerable level, Jimmy opened his eyes and took in the nurse's concerned face. _How did she know?_ he wondered. He glanced to his left at the clock on the wall. _She was in here only an hour ago_. Filled with curiosity, he wanted to ask how but knew that his lungs couldn't handle speaking at the moment.

"What happened, Mr. Doherty?" The nurse, Mia, spoke while she checked some of the monitors attached to him. "Your pulse skyrocketed and so did your blood pressure. Do you need something for the pain?" 

__

Well, he thought, _that explains why she came in right now. She saw everything on the monitors at the nurse's station._ But as to what happened…he wasn't even sure himself. He hadn't been sleeping well lately – kept waking up abruptly from a sound sleep. The first day that he had regained consciousness, it hadn't happened. But as the days passed, the disturbances became more frequent. And the problem was, he didn't know what was waking him up so he couldn't avoid doing it, whatever "it" was. 

Blinking, he noticed that Mia was still watching him, waiting for his answer. Unwilling to speak quite yet, he merely shook his head slightly on the pillow. 

Mia laughed, her pretty face lighting up with a smile. "No, of course not. Why do I even bother to ask?" She picked up a damp cloth and wiped his face. "Are all firefighters as stubborn as you?"

Jimmy narrowed his eyes into a mock warning glare.

It didn't work. She only laughed again and raised her hands in a placating gesture. "Okay, okay. I'll lay off – for now. But I'm warning you, I'm going to ask Kim as soon as she comes in." Her sunny expression dimmed a bit as she stepped closer to examine the bandage on his right arm. "This bandage is bloody." She looked up. "Did you bump your arm?"

__

What the heck is she talking about? He lifted the arm in question to get a better look since he couldn't sit up. His right arm had been lacerated almost to the bone by some debris that had fallen on him during the fire. The four-inch gash, which had been stitched closed and bandaged, had not been mentioned to him the first time he had woken up. It stung every now and then, but the pain was nothing when compared to his other injuries. Now, looking down, he stared at the red marring the otherwise pristine white bandage. _What did I do?_ He frowned, completely puzzled, and blinked at Mia. 

"Don't know, huh?" She said in a sympathetic tone. "That's okay. Just give me a second and I'll have it taken care of." She quickly and efficiently unwound the bloody bandage, applied a medicinal cream, and rewrapped it. "There. Now, I want the truth. Are you feeling better?"

He nodded even though he was still in pain. There wasn't much the staff could do for him except give him another painkiller shot which would put him to sleep. And Jimmy didn't want to sleep. Not now.

The nurse remained doubtful. "Alright. Would you like a few ice chips while I'm here? It might help sooth your throat."

Jimmy nodded again and raised his weak right arm to push aside the oxygen mask. He winced as the cold ice first came in contact with his raw, burned throat but the discomfort disappeared after a few seconds. _I'll never take drinking for granted again, _he thought, relishing the feel of the cool liquid trickling down his sore throat. _I hate havin' to take these chips. Why can't I just drink water like everyone else?_

__

Because everyone else can drink water without almost coughing up a lung, he answered himself bitterly and shuddered, remembering the hideous experience late last night. _I guess I shouldn't complain, though. I'm just glad that they pulled that damn ventilator tube out. I don't care how raw my throat is; at least I can breathe on my own again. Well…_he reconsidered,_ more than I could before anyway. _

He thought back briefly to the night before when Dr. Miller had decided (_finally_, in his opinion) to take him off the ventilator. At the same time though, he had ordered that Jimmy wear the oxygen mask; apparently, his lungs were improving but were not yet strong enough to provide him with adequate air.

He opened his mouth to accept another chip and continued to think as it melted slowly. He could talk now – a little. A few short words here and there. His voice sounded unrecognizable – raspy, weak, and pinched, like someone had a tight hold on his vocal chords. He'd only spoken seven or eight words since the tube had been removed about…He glanced at the clock. _Let's see. They took it out at ten last night, and it's six now. Eight hours…Has it really been that long?_

"Mr. Doherty?"

He snapped his eyes back to the nurse and saw that she was holding out another chip for him. 

"Do you want anymore? You only had two."

He shook his head.

"Okay." Mia set down the cup on the stand by his head. "It's a good thing we still have you on IV fluids or you'd be totally dehydrated by now." She patted his right arm cautiously to avoid the bandaged area. "Try to get some more sleep. Kim should be here in an hour or so."

He smiled slightly in thanks as she placed the mask back over his nose and mouth. _When this is all over,_ he thought, watching her check his vital signs, _I've gotta do something for her. _Mia was his favorite nurse so far - fun, lively, always ready to help, and she really knew her job. And on top of all that, she talked - really talked - to he and Kim whenever she saw them. Most of the other nurses were kind and efficient but kept their distance. Mia had confided in them both yesterday that she felt "the best way to help patients to get better is to get to know them." It was reassuring to know someone still thought that way.

"If you need anything, just press the call button, okay? I'm right down the hall." With a final smile, she stepped out the door, leaving him alone with his thoughts for company. 

As he lay there, he thought back to the day before - the first time the doctor had allowed any visitors other than Kim. It had been a busy day, leaving him exhausted, but it had been worth it. 

His parents were the first ones in. His mother's eyes had been red and swollen, and she had only managed a few sentences before she had burst into tears. His father had been a little better, although he had seemed more subdued than normal. Every once in a while, Jimmy would be listening to one of them speak and then sneak a glance over at the other, only to catch that one staring at him, like they were trying to look inside him. Those searching looks unnerved him. But the odd behavior didn't end there. A couple of times, his father opened his mouth to say something, and then, after a quick look at Kim, shut it again without speaking a word. He didn't know what that had been about but he'd been curious; although, with the ventilator tube still in, he hadn't been able to ask. He still felt guilty at the relief that had coursed through him when they had stepped back out into the hall, ending the visit.

His brother, Tommy, had stopped by, too, surprisingly. _I didn't think he'd ever want to see me again after the last time I came to him._ He winced at the memory of that day he'd spent trying to beg, borrow, and connive money out of everyone he could think of, including his own brother, to pay off his gambling debts.His brother's appearance, though brief, had caused him to think about the severity of his condition. _The doctor had said it was 'touch and go' but what exactly does that mean? And Tommy had looked really worried, even though he'd tried to hide it. _His brother's visit had given him a lot to think about in the last few hours.

The last visitors of the day had been some of the guys from his firehouse. That had been the best visit. They'd stood around, joking with each other, filling him in on everything that had gone on in his absence. Everyone had been there - Don, Manny, Alex, Doc, Carlos, the Captain, Shaun, T.J., Tony - _No. Wait a second. _He thought back to that visit, mentally replaying the entire twenty minutes in his head. _Tony wasn't there. How could I have missed that yesterday? _

__

Hmmm. Maybe he's workin' another shift and couldn't come. He smiled at the thought of Tony Rivetti - his best friend and training partner - going to work without him. _He's probably drivin' everyone else crazy, trying to make up for my absence._ Closing his eyes, he formed a picture in his mind of the wild Italian - fair skin, unruly black hair, and large brown eyes. Tony was a heartbreaker, though only in looks; in reality, he and his girlfriend, Tracy, had just gotten engaged after a two-year relationship. They'd set the date for October 31, just one month away. Jimmy still couldn't believe that they were going to get married on Halloween.

__

"You've got to be kidding, Tony! Halloween?!" He'd been appalled at the thought. "How on earth did you get Tracy to agree to that?!"

Tony had just grinned. "Believe it or not, she suggested it."

"No way! Why would she do that?" Jimmy had paused and then lowered his voice. "She's not related to Dracula is she? Cause I'm tellin' ya, man, if he's at the wedding, I'm stayin' away."

"Hey! That's my fiancée you're talkin' about!" Tony had whacked his arm jokingly. "No, she's not even from Transylvania. You wouldn't believe me if you heard the truth. And besides, you'd better be there, Doherty. You are my best man." The young man had snickered. "At least in name."

"Thanks, buddy. You keep that up and I just might 'misplace' the ring." He'd dodged another punch. "So, why Halloween?"

"Get this - It's her parents' anniversary!" Tony'd laughed as Jimmy's jaw had dropped. "I'm serious! Her father's terrible with dates. Her mother was so afraid when they got married that he'd never remember their anniversary that she picked a date even he couldn't forget. And Tracy wants her dad to remember our anniversary, so she suggested we get married on the same day."

Jimmy'd shook his head, completely amazed. "I have one word for you, buddy - crazy. The whole family is crazy."

"Crazy?" Tony'd replied, looking at him with wide eyes. "_You're calling my fiancée crazy? This, from the same man who's always runnin' into burning buildings when we're told to get out?"_

Jimmy opened his eyes with Tony still on his mind. It was hard to believe that Tony had only been at the 55 for six months. He was still technically a rookie firefighter, even though he had seen more than his share of fires. A firefighter wasn't taken off "rookie" status until he had completed a full year in the field, something that Jimmy just loved to rub in Tony's face. The Captain had paired them up for the first couple of months so the kid could learn the ropes from a "veteran" fighter. He and Tony were the perfect team. _I bet the Captain moved him to First Shift until I can get back to work. He probably teamed Tony up with Mark; those two are a lot alike._

Hearing his door open, Jimmy smiled beneath his mask, knowing it was Kim. _She's early_, he thought with disbelief. _I don't know how she does it. She left here about eleven last night, and it's not even seven in the morning._

"Hey, Jimmy." Kim said softly. 

He swallowed painfully before reaching up to move the oxygen mask. "Hey," he rasped, wincing slightly.

"How's your throat? Still as sore as last night?"

"No," he lied.

Kim stared at him for a moment, then shook her head. "I was married to you long enough to know when you're lying, Doherty. You can't hide the fact that you're in pain, especially not from me. Remember, this isn't the first time you've been injured." She leaned over his right shoulder and placed the mask back over his face. "You need to keep that on, Jimmy. I know you don't like it, but you need it right now." 

__

I swear, she knows me so well that it's scary. He took a couple of deep breaths of oxygen, and then removed the mask again, shaking his head when she moved to replace it. "How's…Joey?" This was the first time he'd been able to ask her any questions, and he'd been worried about his son. He assumed Kim's parents were keeping him but he just wanted to make sure. 

Kim smiled at his concern, the first real smile he'd seen in a while. Her whole face seemed to glow for the briefest moment in time, the fatigue melting away. _Oh, god. She's so beautiful_. The thought came unbidden to his mind, and it was all he could do to hear her answer. 

"Joey's fine. Well, I mean, he's worried about you. He really misses you. We all do. The firehouse isn't the same without you there." She looked down at the ground as she finished speaking.

Jimmy was puzzled by the response. Yes, he was glad that Joey was doing okay, but he wanted to know where he was staying. _He can't be staying with Kim - she's never home anymore. She's always here with me. _He tried again. "Where?"

Kim glanced up at his scratchy voice, and he was stunned to see the pain in her eyes that she quickly hid. "Where's Joey? Oh, he's staying with my parents. He's been begging to come see you, but…I think if he saw you now…it'll just upset him, Jimmy. You understand, don't you?" Her eyes pleaded with him to say 'yes'. 

He nodded and brought the oxygen mask up to take a few more breaths. He had so much he wanted to ask her, so much he wanted to know, but his lungs were starting to hurt again, a twinge that served as an early warning sign of overuse. When he could breath again without the pain, he voiced the next thing on his mind. "How's…Tony…doin'?"

She continued on without answering him. "Everyone at the station said to say "Hi." They've been so great. Faith volunteered to take Joey for a while if my parents needed a break. Said that Charlie would love to have someone his age to play with at home." She chattered on and on, talking about this and that, everything…except what he wanted to hear. 

__

Maybe he's takin' it hard, me bein' hurt. Nah, he told himself, _Tony's seen me get hurt before - it's not like this is the first time or anything. He knows that this is a dangerous job._

Kim was still talking nonstop, hardly stopping to take a breath. After a few minutes, when he couldn't take it anymore, he stretched out his right arm and lightly brushed her arm to get her attention. She jumped and looked up, startled. Jimmy was shocked to see her eyes filled with tears, nearly overflowing. She paled visibly from his touch and lifted a shaking hand to run through her hair, completely forgetting that it was pulled back in a ponytail. 

__

Something's wrong. He had the strangest feeling that something bad was about to happen - almost like déjà vu. The nagging feeling grew rapidly during the utter silence that followed, a combination of both worry and unease that began to manifest itself physically. Jimmy's chest tightened with apprehension, making his heart pound painfully against his damaged ribs. He began to feel sick, but he refused to turn away from Kim. His eyes remained locked with hers. 

"What's…wrong?" he whispered, breaking the deafening silence. 

Kim nervously shifted her feet. "No - nothing. Everything's fine. I just told you that." Her trembling voice betrayed her, and, by the horrified look on her face, she knew it. She turned her back to him.

His stomach was in knots, making him feel like he was going to puke. _What could possibly be making her so upset? _"Kim…" he rasped. "What's…wrong? Tell…me."

She shook her head, her long blonde ponytail swinging violently back and forth. He tried to get a look at her face, but she was covering it with both hands. Her shoulders shook as silent sobs wracked her small body.

He was beyond worry - now he felt full-blown fear. The last time that his ex-wife had acted that way had been when her mother had called, telling them that her father had suffered a heart attack. She'd been completely unable to speak, to tell him what had happened, for several minutes. He'd held her and told that he loved her over and over until she was over the shock. _Damn! Of all the times to be trapped in bed! _

"Kim," he whispered, voice scratchy and hoarse. "Please. Talk…to…me." 

"Oh, god, Jimmy!" she sobbed quietly. "I-I'm so s-sorry."

Jimmy froze, barely breathing as the fear closed in, threatening to choke him. 

"It's Tony," she said, voice hitching. She finally turned back to him and took his right hand in both of hers, her face streaked with tears, lips trembling. "He's…" she bowed her head, weighed down with agony. "Oh, god, Jimmy. Tony's dead." 

__


	5. Chapter 5

Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: Third Watch is owned by someone else, not me. Unfortunately. 

Author's Note: Wow! Thanks for all of the reviews! I really, really love to read them. Sorry this chapter is so late in coming, but I wasn't quite sure how I wanted it to go. I've gone through several drafts, and this is the result. Hope you all like it. Please, let me know what you think, especially about this chapter. Drop a few lines in the review section or email me at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Oh, yeah. It'll probably be a couple of weeks until I get the next chapter up – my life is kinda hectic right now. 

Chapter Five

__

"Tony's dead."

Jimmy's world stopped, just…came to a screeching halt. For a time, he could do nothing but stare at his ex-wife in disbelief, her ashen face stained with tears. And then, the strangest thing happened. His senses went into overtime while his mind shut down. 

He heard Kim sobbing, heard the steady beeping of a nearby monitor, heard his own painful, scratchy breaths. He felt the soft mattress beneath him and a warm dampness on his right hand, only vaguely realizing it was from Kim's weeping. He even smelled the antiseptic ointment that the hospital had applied to his lacerated right arm. Every sense became heightened…but for that brief and everlasting moment, his mind refused to work.

Then he blinked, and the world – and his mind – came back to life.

His very first thought was irrational, but he did not notice. _That's one hell of a joke to pull, Tony, _his mind slowly formed the words. _It…It's not funny. _He drug his gaze to the door and stared at it, waiting for his best friend to burst through, grinning at his latest practical joke. _C'mon, Tony. Enough is enough. You can come in now. The joke's over._

"Jimmy?" Kim's voice echoed loudly in the silence.

His attention remained completely focused on the door. Nothing else mattered – not Kim, not the sudden temperature drop in the room. Nothing…except that door. _O-kay. Any minute now…any minute,_ he told himself confidently.

"Jimmy? Jimmy, say something." Kim said, her voice trembling.

__

Not now, Kim. I – I'm waiting for Tony, he replied mentally. He couldn't look away – what if he missed him? A hand touched the left side of his face, and he flinched at its burning touch. But it was not enough to distract him from his vigil.

"Jimmy?! Look at me, Jimmy. Please!" she pleaded.

He ignored her, absently hearing her panicked words. He barely noticed when she moved away from his side, although he did feel the absence of her hand on his own, making it warm. Shivering, he wondered why the room had suddenly become so cold. His whole body was freezing, and the thin hospital gown wasn't helping keep out the chill.

__

Tony? Where are you? I know you're out there. I really need to see you right now.

The hospital door banged open, and a man rushed in, but it wasn't Tony. The man, who wore a white medical jacket, hurried in, a nurse following immediately behind. They surrounded his bed, blocking his view of the door. "No!" he wheezed painfully. "Move!" The words tore at his throat, but the physical pain was nothing compared to his desperate emotional need to watch the doorway. _I can't see! Go away! _He weakly struggled against the hands that held him down, preventing him from seeing the door. "Let…me…go!" he rasped.

Talking – everyone around him was talking or shouting. The words didn't make sense; they were just sounds in the background, gibberish. The figures began to blur into an icy blue-white. His body shook uncontrollably on the mattress. It hurt to breathe so he took short, shallow gasps to fill his heaving lungs. 

"C-cold," he heard himself mumble over the concerned voices and closed his eyes. The blurry figures were spinning, and it was making him sick. 

His body was ice – his stomach, his lungs, his heart. The very blood pumping through his veins was ice water, slowly freezing him inch by inch from the inside out. He barely felt the hands anymore – the cold was too intense. He was numb all over, even his mind. Finally, the coldness overwhelmed him, and the white blur darkened into blackness.

***********************

" – have him sedated right now. The medication should keep him out for a few hours yet. After that…we'll just have to see. He's going to have to face the truth sometime. We can't keep him unconscious for too long; it's not good for him mentally." A short pause. "Kim, how much did you tell him? Did you say what exactly happened to Rivetti? How they were found?"

"No! No. I – I only said that Tony was dead. I waited for some sort of response from him – anger, denial, pain – but…there was nothing. He looked at me for a few seconds, and then he just stared off into space. I couldn't get any type of response…He wouldn't speak to me – wouldn't even look at me! It was like – like he didn't hear a word I was saying. I know that he was shock but still…"

"Thank God he didn't find out before now, when he was still on the ventilator. At least his injuries are starting to heal. I think we got him sedated before he could do any more damage to his throat and lungs, but I'm sure he'll be in pain when the sedative wears off."

A hand touched his face, a feather light caress that he could barely feel through his numb body. "He's still so cold. His skin's like ice."

"He's still in shock, Kim. We're doing all we can – keeping him warm and monitoring him closely – but you know that it's going to take time for his body to physically recover."

"Physically – what about mentally?"

"Let's deal with one issue at a time, all right?"

The voices faded away into the gray mist that made up his world. He tried to think but he couldn't…his thoughts seemed to fall apart, leaving him with fragments that floated around him. His whole body felt cold and numb. His gray world faded away as the sedative regained control, sending him into a deep, dreamless sleep.

********************

Warmth.

The frightening coldness that had enveloped his body and paralyzed his mind had disappeared, leaving behind a blessed warmth from his head to his toes. The numbness was gone as well, allowing him to feel things: the warm blankets pulled up to his chin, the soft, comforting hand holding his own, and, unfortunately, the fierce pains that flared up each time he took a breath. _I guess being numb isn't always that bad, _he thought, ignoring the pain.

His mind wandered lazily through his last memories, trying to figure out what had caused the soreness in his throat and lungs. _For that matter, when did I fall asleep? _He couldn't even recall that. His last, clear memory was lying in bed, talking to Kim. She'd seemed upset about something, but he couldn't remember what. After that, the memories were blurred, indistinct shapes like shadows cast on a wall from a dim light. He concentrated harder, forcing his mind to bring those hazy images into focus. It didn't work. He got so far through his memory, and then…nothing. 

__

That medicine I've been taking must really be strong. Too bad it can't take away all the pain. He lay there, resting, not ready yet to open his eyes and declare to the world that he was awake. He could have lain there forever, but it was not to be. The person beside him coughed, and though he or she tried to muffle it, it reverberated loudly throughout the small hospital room, causing Jimmy to jerk abruptly, startled out of his reverie. 

"Jimmy? Are you awake?"

__

Kim. I should have known. Who else would stay by my side, asleep or awake? His lips curved into a faint smile beneath the oxygen mask as his eyes drifted open. _What a wonderful way to wake up, _he decided as he stared up at the beautiful face of his ex-wife. "Hey," he whispered, squeezing her hand under the mound of blankets that were heaped upon him. She smiled back, although he noticed that the expression did not reach her eyes. 

"How do you feel?" she asked quietly.

"Warm," he replied slowly. That one word summed up exactly how he felt, both physically and emotionally. "What…happened?"

Kim's face froze, and her eyes welled up with tears. _What – what did I say?_ he wondered, concern flooding him. She glanced down at the floor and then back up as a tear trickled down her cheek. 

And something clicked inside Jimmy's mind. In that one second, everything came back. He remembered…

__

"It's Tony," she said, voice hitching. She finally turned back to him and took his right hand in both of hers, her face streaked with tears, lips trembling. "He's…" she bowed her head, weighed down with agony. "Oh, god, Jimmy. Tony's dead."

The memory burned like fire in his mind. His eyes widened in horror, still locked with Kim's own. He could see his own pain and grief mirrored in her eyes. For an instant, he couldn't feel a thing. Then, reality hit.

And he felt unspeakable pain. 

The pain was different, something he'd never endured before. It surrounded him, squeezing tighter and tighter, crushing his chest, until he thought he would scream from the sheer agony. It flowed through him, ripping him apart inside, shredding his heart, leaving behind an emptiness that threatened to consume him. Finally, the agony became too much for him to bear and, using all the strength he possessed, he deliberately shoved it away, back into the dark recesses of his mind, to a place where it would remain hidden until he could deal with it.

Once he'd regained control of his emotions, he turned back to Kim, silently standing by his side. She made no attempt to wipe away her tears. He could literally feel the grief radiating from her, and only then did he remember how close Kim and Tony had been, how he'd always teased her, how he'd loved to roughhouse with Joey whenever he was at the firehouse. The once-happy memories flashed through his mind, bring another surge of pain. He waited a minute for the pain to die down before he spoke.

"When?" he asked simply, knowing she would understand what he meant. He could not force himself to say the word 'die' yet. It was too soon.

Kim cleared her throat. "Nine days ago."

__

He must have – it must have happened not long after I got hurt. He quickly figured up the number of days he had been in the hospital. _When I first woke up, Dr. Miller had said I'd been here for five days. That was four days ago. _Jimmy paused, stunned at he came to a terrifying conclusion. _Nine days. B – but…that means – _"The…same…fire?" he said aloud.

She bit her lower lip, nodding.

"What…happened?"

"We still don't know, Jimmy. The fire investigators have been to the sight several times to try and figure out what went wrong, but they haven't had any luck. Most of the apartment building was completely destroyed by the fire; there's only about one floor – two in a few places – left standing, and it was originally five stories."

__

Oh, my god. That must have been one hell of a fire to cause that much damage. The next question was much harder to ask, and thought he tried, he still couldn't verbalize the entire thing. "How'd…Tony…?" His weak voice faded away before he could finish.

Kim just shook her head. "Like I said before, we're still not sure what exactly happened."

Jimmy got the feeling that she knew more than what she was saying, but he wasn't in any mood to push her for more information. To be honest, he wasn't sure he really wanted to know what had caused his best friend's death. Part of him did, but another part did not. The more he learned, the more real it would become.

"Hey," his ex-wife said, getting his attention. "I ran into Mia on the way in this morning." She smiled – a real smile this time.

He was too relieved by the subject change to figure out where the conversation was going. "And?"

She laughed. "And she wanted to know if all firefighters were as stubborn as you are."

__

Oh, man! he whined inwardly._ I thought she was just kidding about that!_ He raised his eyebrows, curious to see what she'd replied. After watching her stand there calmly with her arms crossed for a full minute, he couldn't stand it any more. "What'd…you…say?"

"Well," she stretched out the word. "I couldn't bring myself to lie to her, Jimmy. She's been so great through all this. She really is the best nurse I've seen in a while."

Jimmy glared as she smirked at him._ I can't believe this! She's enjoying this! _"Kim…?"

All right, all right." Grinning impishly, she relented. "I told her that, while all firefighters are stubborn, you're the most stubborn one I know – at least, at the 55."

"Thanks," he muttered, and then winced as the pain in his throat flared up again. He'd talked too much as his rebellious body was letting him know.

Kim say him flinch and she attitude became serious. "Okay. That's enough talking for now. Besides, you're supposed to be using that oxygen mask to breathe, not just for decoration." She placed the mask over his nose and mouth. "Try to rest for a bit. I need to call Mom and see how Joey is this morning. I'll tell him you said to say 'Hi.' I'll be back in a few minutes, and I expect to see you sleeping like a baby." She gave him a small smile and then walked through the door, leaving him staring after her. 


	6. Chapter 6

Fire in the Mind

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: All characters in this story, with the exception of Dr. Miller and Tony Rivetti, are the property of NBC and those affiliated with Third Watch.

Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I'm still working on this story, and I promise it will get finished – I just don't know how long that will take. Please, take a second to leave a review or email me at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Thanks! 

Chapter Six

__

One week later…

"Daddy! Daddy!"

Jimmy Doherty raised his head off of the hospital bed just in time to see his son, Joey, bolting through the door, his small body hurtling towards him at full speed. The elation he felt at seeing his son for the first time in several weeks quickly morphed in apprehension. He and Joey loved to roughhouse whenever they got together, and one of their favorite things to do was see how hard they could hug each other. As an eight year old, Joey didn't have that much strength, but if he tried to hug him right now - in his condition - he knew it would really hurt. 

Jimmy winced, then closed his eyes and tried to steel himself for the mass of pain that was about to occur. _Oh, man. This is gonna hurt, _he thought, bracing for impact. He accidentally drew in a deep breath and was barely able to stifle a moan at the pain the action caused in his chest and lungs. 

"Joey, stop!" 

__

Thank you, god. As Kim's voice rang out through the room, Jimmy knew he had been saved and slowly let his taut body relax, releasing the air trapped in his lungs. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes again was his ex-wife, kneeling on the floor of his room, holding their son in a tight grip by the shoulder. He watched as she turned the young boy around to face her.

"Joey," she said in a quiet voice, running a hand through his dark hair. "What did I tell you? You can't just run in and tackle your daddy right now. He's hurt, and if you do that, he'll hurt even more. We have to be very careful, okay?"

"Okay, mommy," Joey replied in a disappointed voice.

__

Poor Joey, Jimmy couldn't help thinking sadly. _He hasn't seen me in almost three weeks and now he has to treat me like I'm made of glass._ The frustration he felt at his weakened, injured state increased until he felt like he would explode. A light touch on his right hand startled him, and he looked up to see Joey standing beside his bed, his own small hand cautiously covering Jimmy's.

Joey stared at him, fear evident in his large brown eyes. "Hi, Daddy."

"Hey, little man," Jimmy whispered, his voice still slightly scratchy and hoarse. "How you doing?"

"I'm okay," the little boy replied, glancing down at the white tiled floor. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, kiddo. I'm feeling a lot better." He was forced to pause for a few seconds to give his lungs a break. He still wasn't used to talking, yet. _At least I don't have to wear that oxygen mask anymore, though. Except for early this morning,_ he reminded himself grimly. "Have you been good for your grandma?" he asked, his voice getting weaker with every word. He could feel Kim's gaze on him, watching him with concern, making sure that he didn't push himself and have a relapse.

"Yeah." Joey's eyes were still glued to the floor.

Puzzled by his son's behavior, Jimmy carefully reached out his right arm and took Joey by the chin, lifting it up to face him. He was shocked to see tears welling up in his dark eyes, glistening like crystals in the low light of the room. Joey blinked, his chin quivering, and the tears began to stream down his small, round cheeks, leaving behind twin trails of dampness. "Joey, what's wrong?"

For a minute, Joey remained silent, staring silently at his father. Then, he began to cry harder and whimpered, "I'm sorry, daddy! I'm sorry!" The little boy kept repeating the words over and over. 

His heart aching, he pulled Joey closer to his side, gently rubbing his small back, and then glanced up at Kim to see if she understood what was wrong with their son. She met his gaze with wide eyes, obviously as confused as he. Turning back to his son, he tried to sooth him. "Shhh, it's okay, Joey. Everything's all right. Shhh." After a few minutes, the little body's tears finally ran out, and he laid his head on his father's bed, eyes closed, sniffling wetly every now and then.

"Joey, what's wrong? Why are you sorry?" he asked softly, hoping he could get an answer this time and not cause a fresh bout of tears. 

Joey raised his head up and scrubbed at his face with both hands before answering his father. "Mommy wouldn't let me go."

"Go where?" Frowning, he glanced at Kim again. He saw her face drain of color, becoming a sickly white, and knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he didn't want to hear Joey's answer.

"To say goodbye to Uncle Tony."

Jimmy's hand dropped to the bed as a wave of agonizing pain shot through him; it felt as if a gigantic hand had thrust into his chest and ripped his heart out, and then held it up for him to see with his dying eyes. It hurt so badly that he wanted to throw his head back and scream in misery, to show the world how much he missed his best friend. 

But in the end, all he could do was close his eyes and try to regain control of his raging emotions. _I can't fall apart now - not in front of Joey_, he thought, mind numbly pressing forward despite his emotional pain. _It…it would terrify him to see me like that. I will not hurt him. _

When he finally opened his eyes, Joey was still standing beside him, staring at the floor, wiping his eyes and nose with the back of his hand. He saw that Kim had moved even closer to him, her eyes full of fear and concern. _She's probably afraid of my reaction. For once, Kim, I'll do the right thing - for Joey's sake._ He raised the hand that had fallen limply to the mattress to his son's face, smoothing back the unruly black hair. "Hey…hey, Joey, that's okay. I - I didn't go either. It's okay. I'm sure Uncle Tony…" his voice broke, and he was forced to pause a second to regain his composure. "I'm sure Uncle Tony would understand." This said, he sank weakly back into his bed, waiting, watching to see if his words had helped ease his son's pain and misplaced guilt.

Joey sniffed, then spoke in a trembling voice. "Do you really think so, Daddy?"

"Yeah. I do." He wanted more than anything just to be able to hug his son at that moment, but he couldn't. _Not yet, anyway_. _Maybe in a few more days._ The words failed to console him.

" All right, Joey," Kim interrupted gently. "That's enough for today. Why don't you go outside and wait with Grandma for a few minutes so I can talk to Daddy? I'll be out in just a little bit, okay?" She added, seeing his look of disbelief. 

"Okay, Mommy." He glanced back at Jimmy and gave his father a quick smile. "Bye, Daddy. I love you."

"I love you, too, Joey." He said softly, smiling. "Now, go on before your mother gets mad at me."

Kim waited until the boy was out of the room before she spoke again. "I am so sorry, Jimmy. I never imagined - "

"Did you go?" he interrupted, staring at the wall behind her, unable to meet her expressive eyes.

There was a brief pause, then she admitted, hesitantly, "Yes."

Jimmy swallowed. "Was it a nice service?"

"Yes."

"Who were the pall bearers?" he asked, his voice devoid of emotion, remembering with pain the pact that he and Tony had made one night after a firefighter from another ladder had been killed in a fierce midnight blaze. They had both been there - had, in fact, been the ones who had pulled his lifeless body from the building. 

__

Tony'd looked up at him from his seat on the curb, his face covered with smoke and soot. "I've never seen someone die before, Jimmy," he had admitted, his dark eyes filled with the terrible knowledge of his own mortality. "That could have been us in there instead of him."

Jimmy had sighed and dropped down to sit beside his friend. "But it wasn't."

"No, but it could have been." 

"Yeah. But it wasn't," he'd repeated firmly.

"Jimmy…I want you to promise me somethin'." 

He hadn't hesitated. "Sure, man. Anything." 

Rivetti'd taken a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Now, look…I don't intend on dyin' or anythin' but…if something does happen, I want you to be one of my pall bearers."

"Tony, are you crazy?!" he'd blurted out, completely unnerved by the morbid request. "Don't say that!"

"I'm serious, Jimmy."

"So am I! Don't talk like that!" He'd quickly stood up, ready to bolt, unwilling to think about the possible death of his best friend. "I'm not gonna stand around here talkin' about this."

Tony'd leaped up and grabbed his arm, twisting him around. "Promise me, Doherty! Swear you'll be there for me if that time ever comes."

Jimmy had stood there, staring at his best friend. He could tell Tony was serious, but he still balked at making such a commitment.

"Please, Jimmy." 

He'd looked into his friend's sweaty, blackened face, seeing the horrible vulnerability in his eyes. "Only if you promise me the same thing, Tony."

Tony had nodded. "I promise, Jimmy," he'd said, his voice thick with emotion. "I'll always be there for you."

Jimmy'd swallowed. "I promise, Tony." He'd removed his arm from the other man's grasp. "Now, c'mon. Let's get this mess cleaned up." Together, they moved towards the burned out building. 

"Don't do this to yourself, Jimmy." The words penetrated his mind, bringing him back to the present. "Not now. It'll only make things worse."

A long silence followed. Kim cleared her throat and spoke, changing the subject. "So. I talked to Doctor Miller before we came in to see you. He's says you're doing better than he expected."

He looked up, meeting her eyes for the first time since Joey had left. "And?"

She smiled. "And he said that he's thinking of releasing you soon."

"How soon?"

Shrugging, she replied, "He's not sure yet - maybe three or four days. It depends on how that test on your lungs goes tomorrow. If it turns out well, then you'll be out of here in a few days. If not…well, he wasn't really sure what they'd do then." 

__

Damn! I forgot about that! He cringed inwardly at the thought of the upcoming test. Dr. Miller had talked to him a couple of days earlier about it. Apparently, they were going to insert a tube down his throat to examine his lungs and take a small scraping of the lining to see if it was growing back like it should. Normally, the procedure wouldn't be too painful, but in Jimmy's case, it would most likely be excruciatingly so, due to the rawness of his throat and lungs. Thankfully, the doctor was going to sedate him before they began and would keep him that way for the remainder of the day to spare him the immediate pain. He didn't like the idea of someone poking around in his lungs, but he didn't have a choice - Dr. Miller said that he wouldn't be discharged the hospital until the procedure was performed. 

"Ummm…there's one other thing you should know."

Jimmy frowned, not liking the hesitant tone of her voice and the uneasy expression she wore on her face. "What?"

"Dr. Miller is willing to release you…only if you stay with me."

Now _that_ made him pause. _I should have expected somthin' that_, he thought, once his shocked mind could function again. _There's no way he's going to let me go home by myself._

He was torn – one part of him desperately wanted to leave the hospital. He'd been there nearly three weeks, and that was more than enough. The other part of him, though, was nervous – it had been over five years since he'd moved out of the apartment. And even though Kim had constantly been by his side since this whole nightmare began, it would still be…awkward. _And Joey. What will Joey think? If he sees the two of us living together just like we used to before the divorce…_

"What about Joey?"

"What about him?" was her puzzled answer.

"Now look, Kim. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't want to get out of here but…well, think about it. If Joey sees the two of us together like we used to be, he's gonna think we're getting back together." He shook his head, shifting his gaze down to the white sheet covering his body. "I don't want to put him through that, to crush his hopes again. It wouldn't be fair to him. He's gone through enough all ready."

He heard Kim sigh and begin to pace around the small room, unable to hide her agitation from her ex-husband. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she bit her lower lip and absently twirled her long brown hair in her right hand. He couldn't help but smile faintly at the familiar sight. _Old habits are hard to break._ But it was also those same familiar mannerisms that had endeared her to him and made him love her even more. She stopped unexpectedly and whirled around, having solved the problem. Unfortunately, he was unable to wipe the smile off of his face in time. Noticing his bemused expression, she tilted her head to one side, frowning slightly, yet another of her habits. 

Jimmy laughed aloud, but his laughter quickly changed into a groan of pain as his bruised and broken ribs protested the violent movement. "Ohhh," he moaned, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to curl up on his side to ease the pain, but was unable to accomplish even that because of the cast encasing his dislocated left shoulder. Through the stabbing pain, he was vaguely aware of Kim's hands; one holding his right hand, keeping it from clutching his chest, the other smoothing back the damp hair from his forehead. As the sharp pains receded, he relaxed his rigid body, his eyes fluttering open. 

Kim stood there, staring down at him in concern, still holding his right hand in her own. "Are you okay? Do you need me to get the nurse?"

"No," he mumbled. "I'm fine." He shifted cautiously in the bed to find a more comfortable position. _I should have known better. That was a stupid thing to do, Jimmy! _he chastised himself. _Keep that up, and she won't think you're ready to be released._

"Really." The single word was infused with all of the doubt and sarcasm she could muster. She shook her head. "Back to Joey – I think I've got a solution to the problem."

"What?" 

"I'll ask my mom to take him. He's been practically living with her since…well…I don't think she'll mind. She loves having him with her, you know, especially now that she's retired."

"I don't know how long it'll be before Miller releases me to be on my own; it could be several weeks. Are you sure she'll be okay with this? That you'll be okay with it?" 

She squirmed a bit at that. "I'll talk to her about it. And just because Joey's living with her doesn't mean I won't see him at all. I can go over there or – or he can come over to visit for the day." She smiled reassuringly at him. "Don't worry, Jimmy. It'll all work out."

"Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of," he muttered under his breath. 


End file.
